venomau5

losing my mind.

awake and restless.
it’s been such a long weekend.
the days are just dragging out. it’s making me miserable.
i keep getting more and more antsy.

i hate september. 

i don’t know what to do.
i don’t know what i can do.
i can’t sleep.
i want to stay awake to make sure he doesn’t have any bad dreams.
both of us are entirely helpless right now.

i feel like there’s a giant vice grip.
like i’m being punished for something i never did.
blamed for something i never did.
i am not a bad person.
i am not a hateful person.
i have a cynical, sometimes sick sense of humor but it’s just humor.
he hates me but all i have ever done is love his brother and do right by him and make him happy and i don’t understand how anyone could hate someone who makes their family happy and feel loved and takes care of them when they’re sick and is their best friend.
i am terrorized.
terrified.

what is going to happen next?
is my own life in danger?

i don’t see any solutions.
the situation is out of everyone’s control.

it might be a good idea for me to get away for awhile but i don’t understand why that would be necessary if i’ve done nothing wrong. i don’t know how that would fix things. i don’t know how things will get fixed. but i’m afraid to leave marshall here alone to deal with this. he says he’s strong and i know he is but part of my responsibility as someone who loves him is to make sure he never feels alone or helpless. or at least do my best.
i’m not going to leave him here to cry alone in an empty bed at night.
and i’m sure i’d cry in an empty bed too. but i would do it if it was what’s best.

but right now i don’t know what’s best.

i just love marshall so much.
more than i ever thought i could love anyone.
and i’m scared that this situation will tear us apart.

i don’t understand why we have to go through this.

all i want in my life is for me and him to have a happy life and make a happy little home and chase our dreams together.
us against the odds and against the world.
but it doesn’t matter because we’ll have each other.

that’s ALL i want out of this life.
more than i want anything else.
i would sacrifice anything. 

i’m just so scared and so helpless.
but i have to be strong now.
i don’t have a choice.
i have to be strong for him.
i’m staring at him sleeping right now and tears are streaming out of my eyes.
he’s so beautiful.
i have to be strong. or at least act strong.
and if i could i would take all his demons in a heartbeat.
and personally battle them.
i have to be strong.
if i fall apart right now, then he will too.

i have to be strong.
and i can.
for you i will.
i would do anything.
anything.

almost 4pm and its kind of hot today. i should have gone tanning but sleep was a much more appealing choice.

i need to shower, and go to the mall, and then ride one of the bikes or something. my level of stir craziness is astounding. probably because we’re out of weed, and it’s a lot easier to entertain myself when high.

maybe its not too late to go tanning. or at least just enjoy the weather. but i’m gross and need to shower.

i wish i had a place to go and dress up for. i’m in the mood to dress up. i keep getting more and more interested in clothes, shoes, etc. my girly side is coming out.

i WISH that i never got my $20 dollar book borrowed from me without asking (the hitchhikers guide collection all in one book) and THEN my alexisonfire shirt was never returned and it’s probably all stretched out now. -.- it was a badass shirt. sigh.

god i love South park.

okay, time to do stuff. 

totally pissed off my ex’s girlfriend by commenting on his status.

seriously? 

he had just said he was going to austin and i was like, no shit i’m about to go to austin! etc etc.

i had sent him a message a few months ago asking how he was doing because i worked across the street from him and that conversation was pretty civil and normal. i’m not trying to be buddies or even reconcile, but god damn, we were friends for years, and it’s been years since we broke up, it’s such old news that i figured it didn’t matter. i don’t like being on bad terms with anyone.

i mean i understand being sensitive about your significant other’s ex, especially if he/she was pretty hung up on them. but my opinion is, i’m an adult now and i refuse to handle things in a childish manner. (or i try my best to. i’m still pretty immature about some things.) i don’t see why other people can’t do the same.

you’re either secure in your relationship or not. either way it’s not my problem. it’s fucking facebook, and if you got a problem with me then don’t let the block button hit your ass on the way out, or something.

i’m about to punch myself in the face

using an application on facebook called “people hate me”.
tells you who de-friends you.

most of the people who have de-friended me are super christian.
lawl u mad bro? 

come home. <3

i’m going to go insane cooped up in this house today.

stressing about money, as always.
i need to just get out there and try again. get right back on the horse. because if i don’t i’ll spiral further downward due to no money.

my sanity is hanging on a very thin thread right now.
my doctors considered putting me in the psych ward.

i just want to be FREE from all of this…
no more confusion, guilt, worry, or anxiety.

if i could i’d just live on a hippie farm.
but i love technology and modern amenities way too much.

there have to be ways to make money on the internet.
i need to start writing articles and shit. i’ve just tried it before and it’s so monotonous.

what can i do? because obviously normal jobs freak me out.
fuck. 

Feeling slightly more sane.
But back to square one.

No more retail jobs, no more restaurant jobs. I repeat! Have I learned my damn lesson yet?

In the meantime gonna try and do what I can for cash… Planning to make his birthday as special and awesome as possible.

I don’t know if I’d be alive if it weren’t for the people who love me.

Today I hate myself a little less.
I got paid 170$ for the measly week I worked there, but I mean, any money helps. It’ll probably all go towards phone bills. Which is fine. I love my iphone.

In the meantime I’m not sure what do to. Mom and amber keep offering me money if I’ll clean house/babysit/dog walk etc. And as much as I don’t want to I need to apply for food stamps.

All I really need money for is food, phone bill, gas when I can afford it, insurance when I can afford it, and money for marshall’s birthday present which I have no idea what. I always like to do extravagant gifts.

I just need to stop letting this control me. And find a perfect job match.

worst feeling in the world is watching someone cry because they’re afraid you’re going to hurt yourself.

and not knowing what to say.
not knowing how to promise that you won’t.

doctors decided it best for me not to go to the hospital. therapist said maybe, psychiatrist said no way. i said no. but do i need to go? i don’t know. it would make me MUCH worse that’s for sure.

when people i love cry over me it just adds to the guilt and sickness and loathing because i’m tired of being the source of their hurt.

i’m afraid to be alone right now but i want to be by myself. if i go to my parent’s house i’m just going to cry and cry.

cry because i have no money and can’t keep a job without coming to this point. forcing parents and boyfriend to take care of me. guilty. guilty. guilty. just want it to stop. for one day. for one minute even.

i don’t know. i’m going to vomit. 

therapy appointment today. i cried.
i don’t feel any better.
they just want me to keep taking my medications.


….and expect everyone to keep being patient with me?

i’m just tired.
i don’t know what to do with myself.
nobody else knows either.

i want to sleep forever. 

still in this shock. don’t know what to do.
don’t know what to say anymore because i’ve said it all.

no motivation. no idea which direction is the right one.
crippling fear and anxiety.
fear of failure, fear of wasting my time, fear of being a disappointment.
i don’t know how to not feel it.

i just don’t fucking know anymore. about anything.

i feel like no one truly understands. 

I’m just afraid. I don’t know how to handle things like a normal person. Any sort of confrontation in my life sends me into a manic depressive downward spiral. It escalates and snowballs and when I get that upset and desperate I just am willing to do anything to relieve that pain and confusion and my mind always turns to violent things. Last night I was having like weird hallucinations like I was experiencing 20 emotions on full blast at once and I saw a mental image of me ending my own life and I just started screaming inside my head.

I don’t know. Its just one of those feelings where you want to drive far far away. Everyone tells me what the right thing to do is but all I do is hide because I’m scared of upsetting myself to this point. So I avoid situations that might upset me. When I go depressive it goes extreme.

I’m not okay and I don’t know how to fix it. This happens at least once every few months. I’m afraid everyone thinks I’m lazy and making excuses for myself. But it’s so much more than that. What really goes through my head I’m afraid to tell anyone. I can’t talk about any of this. Everyone tells me to be strong and brush it off my shoulders but I don’t know how to.

Fear and anxiety has ruined and interrupted so much in my life. And it continues. I am afraid of hurting myself. When I get upset it’s like someone else in my brain takes over.

I don’t want to hurt myself and I don’t want to die. But some part of me does. It’s not that I want to kill myself or die, I just want the pain to stop. I just want to stop making my loved ones take care of me. The guilt makes me sick.

I have voices in my head telling me it’d be so much easier for everyone I love if I didn’t exist.