venomau5

petco called me not even an hour ago.
i start wednesday.
i’ll be taking care of the fish and reptiles.
and i’m happy to not be making minimum wage.

i’m excited. i think it’ll be good.

$got my mind on my money and my money on my mind$ 

because i was laughing while marshall was getting ready to go to work

he said when i tried to wake him up at 10:20, i woke up and said “WAKE UP IT’S 4:20” and fell back asleep.

-.- 

I don’t feel like my interview went well.

I can’t really put my thumb on it, it was just weird. I don’t know. I didn’t walk out of there feeling victorious, so that’s probably why.

On a positive note, I found out I can take out the screw in my lip stud, and the plastic bar will just stay. I think my skin has probably grown around it a little. This is awesome, because when the screw is out, it just looks like a hole. But there’s something still in it to keep it closing up. And it’s plastic and clear and doesn’t stick out. So yay.
I COULD get a grown up job and still keep my piercing in.

Plan is wait and see.
Waiting.
And seeing.
Applying other places vigorously.
Hoping for a chance.

“Date a girl who reads. Date a girl who spends her money on books instead of clothes. She has problems with closet space because she has too many books. Date a girl who has a list of books she wants to read, who has had a library card since she was twelve.

Find a girl who reads. You’ll know that she does because she will always have an unread book in her bag.She’s the one lovingly looking over the shelves in the bookstore, the one who quietly cries out when she finds the book she wants. You see the weird chick sniffing the pages of an old book in a second hand book shop? That’s the reader. They can never resist smelling the pages, especially when they are yellow.

She’s the girl reading while waiting in that coffee shop down the street. If you take a peek at her mug, the non-dairy creamer is floating on top because she’s kind of engrossed already. Lost in a world of the author’s making. Sit down. She might give you a glare, as most girls who read do not like to be interrupted. Ask her if she likes the book.

Buy her another cup of coffee.

Let her know what you really think of Murakami. See if she got through the first chapter of Fellowship. Understand that if she says she understood James Joyce’s Ulysses she’s just saying that to sound intelligent. Ask her if she loves Alice or she would like to be Alice.

It’s easy to date a girl who reads. Give her books for her birthday, for Christmas and for anniversaries. Give her the gift of words, in poetry, in song. Give her Neruda, Pound, Sexton, Cummings. Let her know that you understand that words are love. Understand that she knows the difference between books and reality but by god, she’s going to try to make her life a little like her favorite book. It will never be your fault if she does.

She has to give it a shot somehow.

Lie to her. If she understands syntax, she will understand your need to lie. Behind words are other things: motivation, value, nuance, dialogue. It will not be the end of the world.

Fail her. Because a girl who reads knows that failure always leads up to the climax. Because girls who understand that all things will come to end. That you can always write a sequel. That you can begin again and again and still be the hero. That life is meant to have a villain or two.

Why be frightened of everything that you are not? Girls who read understand that people, like characters, develop. Except in the Twilightseries.

If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are.

You will propose on a hot air balloon. Or during a rock concert. Or very casually next time she’s sick. Over Skype.

You will smile so hard you will wonder why your heart hasn’t burst and bled out all over your chest yet. You will write the story of your lives, have kids with strange names and even stranger tastes. She will introduce your children to the Cat in the Hat and Aslan, maybe in the same day. You will walk the winters of your old age together and she will recite Keats under her breath while you shake the snow off your boots.

Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.

Or better yet, date a girl who writes.”

Tried laying out, its waaay too hot. Sweating bullets.

I guess I have a job interview tomorrow. I can’t get excited about it.

I mean it would be cool doing stuff like I used to. I’d be taking care of the fish/snakes/turtles/lizards and telling people about them.

It’s probably part time and minimum wage and that makes me want to scream but everybody just says take what you can get.

Everybody says this and that and I just can’t seem to grow up and get it right. I’m just waiting for them to get tired of my bullshit and say fuck it you’re on your own.

Fuck it.

Woke up from one of those dreams that made me feel like I had lost something very important, but I’m not sure what it is or where to find it.

Just can’t shake off the negativity. It’s on me like a leech. Inside me like a virus. Part of me like a demon. It’s overwhelming 100% of the time. I just get so tired.

Today I am sad, and I’m not entirely sure why.

just a whirlwind and plethora of bad mood.

can’t stop it. can only barely fight it.

everything is irritating me. i’m irritating myself.

i’m too busy self loathing to do anything about it.
so i just stay numb as much as possible so the failure won’t swallow me.

i don’t want to do this tonight. damnit.