venomau5

went to the hospital again last night. Got another ultrasound. Turns out my complex cyst ruptured and the fluid is just floating around and it’s extremely painful. And it is. At the hospital they gave me a bunch of IV drugs and then some oxycodone for home. Sadly none of them are as strong as I would have desired. I think I just have too high of a tolerance for being high, even though I only take painkillers when I need them.

So I wait a few days and see what happens.

I know I’ve been the biggest most frustrating annoying whiny bitch during this whole thing. It’s been like non stop PMS. So thanks to my boyfriend who has been taking the brunt of it. You deserve many certificates with WordArt on them.

I really want to see Bryn but now is such an awful time.. I miss her, she’s one of my few friends, and I don’t know when I will get to see her again… I just wish we could do crazy stuff like smoke weed on the boardwalk, go to cowboys, run around town, go shopping, go ice skating… If I was feeling better all three of us could go to lauberge later today and ice skate. FUCK!

also I have to figure out what do to about my job.. I need to get my check, return their things, and explain myself… The only thing I can think of to do is to ask someone to do it for me but I have a feeling that nobody will. But I usually don’t even correspond. This would be a baby step. I just can’t handle the humiliation and judgement of facing it myself. I feel like if I showed my face and told them it was because I’m too sick that wouldn’t jive.

I wish I could still keep working there but I’m pretty sure that won’t happen. I need a full time job anyway, or else I will have constant anxiety about money.

Seriously, this ovary shit is the worst.
Every little thing makes me fucking frustrated/irritated/furious. Like when I’m on my period.
I almost threw my phone against the wall earlier.

My life is an absolute mess right now.
I know it’s not impossible for it to improve, it just seems so far away. And like with my cysts, waiting is just causing me pain, making me angry, and slowly killing my spirit.
It’s been so long since I’ve been able to figure out anything that works out for me. I just want to make money and not hate what I do so my boyfriend and I can have a better life.

I remember being a teenager and thinking it was just awful. Ha! I was so wrong.

if i wasn’t feeling bad we’d be on our way to new orleans right about now.

but i am, and we’re not.

a vacation would have been so nice.
this place is making me homicidal.

there must be something to do or somewhere to go to keep my brain from imploding.

i don’t think i’ve ever been so stir crazy. 

starting birth control. There’s a good chance it could fix a lot of shit. Aaaaand we’re waiting.

like a black hole, sucking in and destroying everything around me.

this is my negative, depressed blog.

then i have my superficial blog.

i think once i get well i’m going to start on a positive blog.
to try to motivate myself to do creative things.
because i never do them.
i’m always too sad or tired.

why am i so sad?
i guess my age. life isn’t what i thought it’d be. everything used to be easy and now it’s not and instead of fighting i just prefer to lose. because it’s easier.

this apartment. no offense to my boyfriend who i love very much. it’s just tiny. freezing. dirty. sucks the life out of me. i don’t like living with chris. i’ve made my peace with him but i just don’t like living with him, i just want him to not talk to me and stay away from me. and i’m afraid that the longer i’m here the worse it gets. i know if it was just me and marshall somewhere else, i’d be so much happier. in a place we could make feel like home. instead of a prison. and i can’t move out because my parent’s house isn’t home anymore either. home is where he is. but not here.

i can’t keep a job. i hate working. i don’t really hate working i just hate shitty menial jobs. i get depressed and fuck it up. but everyone else can do it. in this case i got sick. but there was something weird about macfarlane’s. it kind of put me off. i felt inferior to everyone.
i guess i had it really good at chili’s.

it’s really all just me. i’m miserable because i’m a deeply unhappy person who only knows disorder. my only hope is creativity but i never want to do anything. i cry every day. i get frustrated and angry. i get numb for days, weeks, months at a time. i refuse to see therapists or doctors or take 7 pills a day anymore.

in my mind, i’m stuck as the helpless 14 year old i used to be.

and my boyfriend is actually a really great person. i know i make his life harder.

what do you do when you realize you’re a horrible shell of a human being?
wasting the years rotting locked away in hiding?
never lived up to what seemed to be a successful future?
but instead, just cried and politely declined?
i haven’t felt worth anything for such a long time.

i have an appointment later today to see about my ever worsening ovarian cysts. i can’t take the pain anymore. and my body has some strange immunity to vicodin.

really, really, really really hate my life right now.

i really do. 

still feeling unwell. It comes and goes in severity. My sleep is fucked up for sure. And I’m addicted to shit TV.

Trying to hold out to see the doctor and avoid hasty hospital decisions. Operative phrase trying.

November has not been my month.

Recovery first. And I’ll need to find another job yet again. (that’s what… four jobs so far this year?) I’ll just have to figure it out.

I need to get this damn demon virus out of my stomach.

Things have taken a turn for the worst.

I can probably assume that I’ll no longer have a job seeing as how I was supposed to be there 20 minutes ago. But I can’t move. And I’ve called in too many times already. This time I really can’t help it.

I’ve sort of been having symptoms of shock all week, and the pain got better but it was still present and yesterday morning it began to return, and last night it hit full force. Right now my ribs are so stiff. I’m wake awake because it keeps me up. I don’t know. Maybe I should be in the hospital. But I’m waiting to hear back from my doctor because the last time I went to the hospital they seemed pretty clueless about my dilemma.

Maybe I should have gone to work. I probably could have. I don’t really understand their logic of scheduling me 9:45 to 10:30 after I’ve been sick for two weeks. I just don’t think I could have done it. Maybe they would have understood, maybe they wouldn’t have. I tend to avoid uncomfortable confrontations at all cost and that is a huge part of why I hate myself. And I still need to return their shit and pick up my check. Knowing me I won’t do either. I have some kind of weird block that just prevents me from doing it. After you’ve fucked up as many jobs as I have it kind of just becomes a habit. I don’t know.

Everything is pretty fucking horrible right now. I’ll be broke and a fucking failure yet again, sit in this black hole tiny apartment for 3 months and do nothing and then start over.

And I have no fucking idea what can or will be done about my health issues.

I’m just ruining everything like I always do. I guess it’s not my fault. But I should be pushing through it instead of just laying in bed being in pain. But I’m a weak person.

I can’t sleep. My boyfriend will wake up and go to work. My family is out of town. I have no friends. I’ll be alone with this bullshit today.

My boyfriend is sympathetic but helpless. So am I.

And now we have to cancel our trip to new Orleans and a 4 star hotel to see his mother who he hasn’t seen in a year.

Right when I started to finally feel okay this happens. When I thought things couldn’t get any worse.

Sorry for the pity party but I’m alone right now. If you don’t like it I don’t give a fuck and gtfo.

I can’t bring myself to type the words.

It has easily been a shitty week. Or two weeks.

And this is the first Thanksgiving that I’m not with my family. I kind of want to be alone all day. We had dinner plans but I don’t really want to go. I would rather just sleep and my parent’s house and drink booze.

Yeah, that sounds great.

I’ve been in a shitty mood. I guess I have myself to blame for that.

I’m just not in the mood for this stupid fucking holiday.