venomau5

i have another personal blog but i’m keeping it private, for now at least.

and there’s my other blog, dankcouture.tumblr.com.

but i’ve been too sick to care about updating it.

in severe pain because of endometriosis and polycystic ovarian disease.

alone on this stupid fucking holiday.

hope your NYE is better than mine. 

this blog is officially closed.

fuck you.

i wish i was drunk or fucked up or in a coma. 

not enjoying today.

that feel when boyfriend has to work all day on christmas eve and christmas.

go away fucking holiday. 

every day is worse than the one before.

ever.

i have a lot of things that i need to say. 

to plan for change.

I need to
• paint
• bake
• organize my ridiculous amount of clothes
• read (want to start reading game of thrones, since I freaking loved the first season.)
• get a full time gig once the year starts.
• hoping instead of moping.
• drink. it’s the holidays.
• meriwether show Saturday night.
• order marsh’s presents.
• go to the mall and get his other presents.
• specialist in Houston December 28th.
• feel pretty again. I haven’t since like, October.
• get yoga pants.
• focus on my wardrobe / self etc.

it’d almost be kind of cool if i could work at wet seal or something. even though it’d probably suck, I know they get ballin discounts and clothes and shoes make me happy.

i just need money man. independence. confidence. i lost it somewhere. I’ve felt ugly for what feels like a long time.

i wish i could take adderall so id always be doing shit, then i wouldn’t be sad because I would be too busy.

but I am overly determined to do this without medication. it hurt me more than it helped.

next two days straight with my boyfriend. he’s been working what feels like all the time lately. i won’t ruin it. i will try to be happy. i will try to enjoy myself. i will TRY.

the life I want feels so far away.

nowhere feels like home.

seems to be the mood i am always in. thanks hormones.

my face is completely broken out, which is always a nice touch.

im spending the weekend at my parents house. today they left to go to town without telling me while i was sleeping. and there’s nothing to eat. and im not feeling well enough to cook anything.

i officially lost my job yesterday, but not without the manager throwing me a pity party. then i had a panic attack in target. and another at the apartment.

as soon as i get well i want a full time job and i want to live alone seeing as how i don’t see me and my boyfriend living alone together happening for a long time. studio apartments aren’t too expensive. ill go back to chili’s if i have to, i just can’t do this shit anymore.

i suppose ill go back to sleep since there’s not much else to do out here.

everything in the world is getting on my nerves and making me angry right now.